10.9K
Downloads
48
Episodes
Dr. Mark Vander Ley and his guests discuss topics relevant for parents that desire to build a deep connection with their children and loved ones.
Episodes
Sunday Feb 24, 2019
Sunday Feb 24, 2019
Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW regarding Attachment across the lifespan.
Michelle is the executive director of a long term care facility located in Southern California. Michelle has pioneered the use of attachment theory and its associated techniques and approaches in her work with children and elderly adults.
Mark and Michelle discuss lessons she has learned by working with children and adults in residential settings and Michelle shares three points for family's to remember when considering attachment across the lifespan
1. Find support
2. Learn how to listen
3. You don't have to be perfect only "good enough"
Sunday Feb 17, 2019
Sunday Feb 17, 2019
The DSM-V defines depression as:
“The presence of sad, empty, or irritable mood, accompanied by somatic, and cognitive changes that significantly affect the individual’s capacity to function”
More specifically the DSM lists the criteria for a Major depressive episode as
5 or more of the following symptoms when they occur during the same 2-week period and at least one of the symptoms is depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure.
- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day
- Diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities
- Significant weight loss or gain when not dieting, or change in appetite
- Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly everyday
- Movement agitation or slowing
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
- Diminished ability to think or concentrate
- Recurrent thoughts of death
If your teen exhibits some of these symptoms, what are you to do?
Pay attention to thoughts:
Depression is primarily about mood, but our thoughts can have a significant impact on the way we feel. So, helping your teen to label and verbalize his/her thoughts can be very helpful. Sometimes teenagers get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and are not aware of the pattern. Verbalizing these thoughts helps your teen to become more aware of them and how they are impacting feelings. Talk with your teen about their thoughts and ask them to decide if they are unhelpful. If the thoughts are unhelpful brainstorm new, more helpful thoughts that can replace the negative cycle. Through practice they will begin to recognize and understand how thoughts impact mood. Go HERE to read more about ways to get your teen talking.
Pay attention to Feelings:
Some teens have a hard time expressing what they feel. They are really good at bottling their feelings inside. Unfortunately, for most teens bottled up feelings lead towards explosions of anger or periods of depression. So, helping your teen to express their feelings (no matter how difficult) is a great way to improve mood. You can do this by empathizing with their emotions. Empathy is a three-step process:
- Listen carefully to what your teen is saying
- Go inside yourself and ask, “what would I be feeling right now”
- Express your empathy through a statement such as
You feel ______________because _______________.
Empathizing with your teen’s feelings helps them to be more aware, and makes you a safe place for emotional discussion.
Seek Professional Help:
Sometimes, all of our best efforts do not have the impact we hope for and it is necessary to seek professional help. Reaching out to your primary medical provider is a good place to start. Most practitioners can provide an initial screening for depression and suggest trusted resources for mental health services. Professional Counselors (LCPC) are specifically trained and licensed by their respective states to provide treatment for depression. It can be unsettling but a professional counselor can accurately diagnose the problem and provide individualized treatment to meet the needs or your teen. The best counselors create a strong sense of safety for their clients. They develop specific goals and openly discuss treatment strategies.
Helping your teen with depression may seem difficult. Start by paying attention to their thoughts and feelings. If your teen does not improve or things get worse, talk to your primary medical provider or a professional counselor. They will walk with you on the journey to healing.
To learn more about my approach to individual counseling go HERE
To learn more about how I use EMDR to treat depression go HERE
If your teen is depressed call me at 217-231-1413 to get help.
References:
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.).
Sunday Feb 10, 2019
Sunday Feb 10, 2019
The problem of Boredom
Richard Winter described the problem of boredom in his book “Still Bored in a Culture of Entertainment”. He views it as an issue of over-stimulation rather than under-stimulation. He argued that we live in a culture in which “to be entertained” is the highest value. This desire creates an incessant need for novelty and excitement. The problem, however, is that life is full of routine, mundane, and repetitive tasks that must be accomplished.
Types of Boredom
Winter defines two types of boredom, the first is a temporary boredom that is the result of repetitive tasks. The second, is an on-going pervasive sense of boredom that results from having nothing to do that one likes. I think it is this second more pervasive type of boredom that is most problematic for today’s adolescents. It is a sense that no matter what is happening there is just nothing in life to enjoy. The perspective that life cannot be enjoyed unless it is always entertaining, exciting, or extreme creates a sense that “my life is not good enough”. Thankfully Winter offers 6 ways to combat this pervasive sense of boredom
The Boredom Busters
Remember the Big Picture:
Recall that even the most mundane tasks (doing the dishes, mowing the lawn) are wonderful gifts. Not everyone has the ability or the means to pursue these tasks. Additionally, these tasks can create a wonderful feeling of accomplishment, capability, and resourcefulness.
Stop and Smell the Roses:
Living in a culture of constant entertainment has caused us to lose sight of the marvel and grandeur of the simple things around us. We are so busy looking for “extreme” experiences that we miss out on the incredible beauty of the flowers in our yard, the baby birds in our trees, and the stars in the sky. Stop to smell the roses by intentionally noticing the small details of the world around you. I wrote about several ways to practice this skill in a post on mindfulness found here.
Cultivate Wonder
Winter quotes philosopher Rene Descartes’ description of wonder as an “intense intellectual interest”. We live in a time in which a massive amount of information is available at the click of a mouse. Although incredibly convenient we may lose the experience and pursuit of curiosity. Remain curious by seeking to understand the inner experience of the people in your life. The inner world of people can never be fully contained in a book or webpage. Relationships, therefore, offer an inexhaustible mine for our curiosity. Learn more about how to do this by reading this post I wrote on listening well.
Active Engagement rather than Passive Expectation
A culture of entertainment has turned us into passive consumers. We sit back and wait to be entertained. Anything that requires effort is passed over for something less challenging. Challenge however creates engagement. When a task entails just the right amount of challenge it creates a wonderful sense of excitement, accomplishment, and competence. This active engagement heightens a sense of purpose and passion that leaves little room for boredom.
Ultimately, boredom is a mindset. It is a perspective that develops in a culture that values constant entertainment, excitement, and leisure. Unfortunately life is not all excitement and pleasure. Life is full of routine and mundane tasks. Remembering the big picture, stopping to smell the roses, cultivating wonder, and actively engaging are ways to combat the life of boredom.
Sunday Feb 03, 2019
Sunday Feb 03, 2019
Dr. Mark Vander Ley discusses the shifting view of fatherhood in light of changing culture.
More fathers are living apart from their children than ever before, but, fathers are also more and more involved in the lives of their children. Mark explains the research related to this phenomenon and discusses the progression of "father" as "moral teacher or guide" to "new nurturant father"
Mark discusses ways to raise boys to prepare them for this new way of being a father
1. Value their energy and uniqueness
2. Teach and model emotional intelligence
3. Teach and model emotional literacy.
Join The Connected Family Podcast facebook broup
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
It seems that nearly every month I hear of a new book or article that touts the latest trends in parenting styles. Most recently I heard about the Lawn mower parent –one that cuts down any challenges in front of their children. There is attachment parenting, the helicopter parent, drill sergeant parent, consultant parent and one book sings “the battle hymn of the ‘tiger mother’”.
Why all this discussion about parenting styles? It seems that we have lots of questions and concerns about if we are doing it right, and what the best way to relate, discipline, and grow our children will be.
Parenting Styles: The research
Last year, I had the opportunity to write my dissertation titled, “The Relationship Between Father Emotional Intelligence and Parenting Style.” So, I read a lot about parenting styles including how the categories developed and the research about which one is most effective.
Diana Baumrind was the first psychologist to categorize different styles of parenting and she did it based on the amount of control that was exercised by the parents. She asserted that parental control (or demandingness as it is now called) should be balanced with too much or too little control both ending up in less favorable outcomes for children.
In later years two other researchers named Maccoby and Martin extended the work of Baumrind and hypothesized an additional continuum of parenting called “parental warmth”. These psychologists describe four different parenting styles that can be categorized by putting the two dimensions of “demandingness” and “warmth” into a table. (see Below)
| High Warmth | Low Warmth | |
| High Demandingness | Authoritative | Authoritarian |
| Low Demandingness | Permissive | Neglectful |
Parenting Styles: Authoritative
The authoritative style is characterized by high levels of demandingness and high levels of warmth. This means there is a balance between demands for responsibility, following rules, meeting expectations, and empathy, compassion, and a child centered view of the world. According to research the authoritative parenting style produces best outcomes for children including in the areas of self-regulation, academic performance, and social skills.
Parenting Styles: Authoritarian
The authoritarian style is characterized by high levels of demandingness with low levels of warmth. This parent tends to say, “it is my way or the highway”. There are high expectations for following rules and little compassion or willingness to be flexible depending on the child’s view of the world.
Parenting Styles: Permissive
The permissive style is characterized by low levels of demandingness and high levels of warmth. The permissive parent does not set guidelines or rules but focuses on the child’s emotions and feelings although not in a child centered way. According to research the permissive style can result in difficulty with self-regulation and difficulty in following school or other expectations.
Parenting Styles: Neglectful
The neglectful parenting style is characterized by low levels of demandingness and low levels of warmth. This style may result in abuse depending on severity. A neglectful parent tends to be uninvolved sets no limits and provides minimal emotional support. The neglectful style of parenting may be considered the least preferred style of parenting.
Parenting Styles: Now what?
What does one do with this information? I challenge parents to reflect on how they believe they were parented. What parenting style was most often used in the home they grew up in? What parenting style do they most often use themselves? In many cases the answer to those two questions is the same. The most important thing with parenting styles, in my opinion, is to be intentional. Do not blindly do it the way your parents did it. Think through the tone, culture and experience you want to create for your family and then intentionally seek to do that. Usually this will require some work on the part of parents. I know it has for me. Do not give up though you can change how you are doing it and your efforts will impact the culture of your family.
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
The demon dialogues emerge when a couple that has lost their sense of connectedness encounters a moment of stress or conflict. When the partners feel disconnected from one another the normal stressors of marriage tend to get sidetracked by one of the three demon dialogues. However, when both partners in the marriage feel safely connected to one another managing the stress of parenting or financial concern can be navigated in a way that creates more connection. The demon dialogues spin out of control leading to more stress, hurt feelings, and increased disconnection.
Marriage Dialogue 1: Find the Bad Guy
This dance occurs when both partners are stuck using attack as a way to protect ones self from feeling vulnerable, alone, or unsafe. Each partner blames the other for the problem because disconnection has made it unsafe to vulnerably acknowledge ones own responsibility in the situation. John blames the family’s financial issues on Mary’s irresponsible spending habits, while Mary blames John for not working hard enough to provide for the family. The pattern is cyclical in that the more one is blamed the more disconnected and unsafe they feel. The lack of safety puts each partner “on guard” for the attack of the other. A hypersensitive stance may cause the partners to see threat where there is none. This leads to more frequent attacks and ever increasing difficulty in resolving conflict.
Marriage Dialogue 2: Protest Polka
The most common pattern encountered in marriage counseling is the pursuer-distancer dynamic. Susan Johnson calls it the protest polka. One partner protests against the growing disconnection in the marriage by pursuing the other. Many times this pursuit feels more like demanding or criticism to the partner causing them to withdraw. The more the distancer withdraws the more the pursuer criticizes or protests. The pursuer is looking for reassurance about questions such as “do you care about me?”, “do I matter to you?”, “am I important” while the distancer is attempting to protect ones self from feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, and failure.
Marriage Dialogue 3: Freeze and Flee
The final dialogue is one of silence. Both partners hunker down in their respective fox holes and hope is nearly gone. The pursuer has no more energy to protest and therefore shuts down to protect ones self from hurt and loneliness. The distancer is finally enjoying some peace but remains disconnected as a way to protect against a sneak attack. Each partner has tried everything they know to fix the problem but nothing has worked. They feel frozen, stuck in a dance that brings deeper and deeper hurt; therefore they flee by either leaving the marriage or resigning themselves to a lonely loveless relationship.
Restoring Connection:
The solution to the three demon dialogues is connection. When couples feel safely connected to one another they are able to navigate stress and conflict in more flexible, vulnerable, and adaptive ways. Connection creates the secure sense that your partner will be there for you, will notice you, will respond to you, and is reliable for you no matter the circumstance. Restoration is possible even in the most difficult of situations. It takes incredibly hard work, it takes time, and it takes risk.
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
I often talk with parents who are concerned about video game addiction. They tell me about the games their children play online, the amount of time spent, the disagreements, behavior change and struggles of navigating the new frontier of technology.
Video Game Addiction:
Recent studies have raised concerns about the impact that online gaming has on adolescents. Other studies have found links between social media use and adolescent depression. In fact the world health organization (WHO) recently defined “gaming disorder”as an official disorder in the international classification of diseases (ICD-11). Gaming disorder is defined as “a pattern of gaming behavior characterized by impaired control over gaming increasing priority given to gaming over other activities to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities, and continuation or escalation of gaming despite the occurrence of negative consequences”.
Author Jean Twengehas described “Igen”, the current generation of highly connected students, as the most unprepared for adulthood in history. Understandably parents are concerned and want to know “how much is OK”?
Warning Signs:
I often advise parents to respond but not overreact. The WHO indicates that only a small percentage of those engaged in gaming reach the level of being addicted. I encourage parents to observe their child and assess if they are showing any of the signs of addiction.
- Does your child’s participation in gaming take priority (for your child) over other important daily activities and has it continued to escalate despite negative consequences?
- Has your child’s level of gaming caused significant impairment in several of the following areas: Personal, Family, Social, Educational, Occupational, Other important area
- Has the impairment been present for at least 12 months.
Finding Balance:
If you are concerned that you child spends too much time playing video games and may become addicted or is missing out on other experiences, I recommend establishing a balance between other activities and video gaming. I challenged parents to set reasonable limits on the amount of time spent using screens. Some parents allow for short periods of time each day after homework and other responsibilities are completed. While other parents only allow screen time or game play on weekends.
No matter what you decide as a parent the most important factor for maintaining balance is consistency. Children will push back and ask for more time or exceptions to be made but especially when starting out it is important to remain consistent. Parents can practice this by setting the limits with empathy and then engaging with their child in different activity that involves face to face interaction and is enjoyable for the whole family.
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
Tuesday Jan 29, 2019
Hello, I am Dr. Mark Vander Ley welcome to The Connected Family Podcast. This first episode provides you with an introduction to the host and purpose of the podcast. I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor practicing in Quincy, Illinois. I am the owner and founder of Connections Family Counseling, LLC a group counseling practice that helps build resilient kids, strong marriages, and connected families. I am also a counselor educator and teach in a masters level counseling program helping others to become professional counselors. The Connected Family Podcast is intended to extend the work of Connections Family Counseling by sharing resources, information, stories, and insights gained through personal and professional experiences.
I started Connections Family Counseling, LLC in February 2017 after many years of dreaming, praying, and hoping that someday I would have the chance to start a private practice. The opportunity arrived when I left my full time job to finish my Ph.d. in Counselor Education and Supervision. While serving as an adjunct faculty in a Master’s level counseling program and working on my dissertation I began the process of opening a practice. I have since added three additional clinicians to my practice. I focus on serving distressed marriages and adolescent males, while the colleagues in my practice focus on adolescent females, children, and marriages.
This podcast seeks to provide engaging and practical information that will help couples, individuals, and parents build deeper connections with those they love. I have also created a facebook group to continue the conversation regarding each episode topic. Please join this community and add to the discussion. Below you will find a link to join the group as well as where you can find us on social media.